Very Apprehensive this morning. Today I get the results from the biopsies. There is something just churning in my gut... but I don't know what. Maybe because I know I'm not a good test taker and may not get good results. Nerves!!! Nerves!!! NERVOUS, on the inside, but on the outside all you see is a calm, in control Mel.
A.D. and I got the kids off to school... on time, then head to Dunkin Donuts before heading to Dekalb Medical. UGH! my stomach.... churning with nerves! Anxiety is killing me...yet I maintain steady on the outside. Just don't fuck with me right now... ANYBODY!
AT THE HOSPITAL
A.D. pulls into a disables parking spot, I still had my decal from when I was in crutches and didn't mind still using it though I was better. UGH! my stomach is letting me know I ain't comfortable with my environment. ANXIETY!!! A.D. knows me well... I believe he can actually feel my distress and comforts me with simple works I can comprehend right now; "it's okay babe."
Sitting there in the waiting room allowed me to think about a lot of things. But I recalled wanting to see Dr. R.'s face, I needed to read her expressions and body language. I could determine if she had good news or not. A few more minutes go by then the nurse calls "Merrick."
Heading to the patient room
Nicole smiles as we came to her but it isn't her expression or face demeanor I'm interested in... Dr. R.? where are you? Just about to the room and I look to my left and there she is but damn!!!! her back is to me as she consults with one of the med students. ugh!!! WAIT!!! He looked at me, he couldn't help but lock eyes with me for a few seconds. Yea, sincerity was there but there was something more genuine,.... kindness... sympathy??? SHIT!!!! What does he know that I don't!? Still it's not his expression I want, but she kept her back to me.
We waited a few seconds, and I do mean seconds, and she comes in; without the student. DAMN, her face is neutral... she tells me nothing much by her demeanor, but she isn't really smiling as she usually does. After a little exam of my breast, from the biopsy area, she sits on her rolling stool and says "Well you did well with your test but unfortunately the samples came back as Cancer... you have breast cancer." The rest was a blur... she attempted to tell us some other stuff but she sounded like the Charlie Brown characters.
I'm going to spare you the rest of the story and let you read it in my book; the one that so many are encouraging me to write. :) It's a bit much for me to types these words, they are quoted word from my medical diary and those were written fresh with emotions at the time. Trust that this has been a tremendous emotional journey for my family and I, and that showing and sharing my emotion like this is NOT like me.
Anyway, I believe you can now pick up the rest of the story at the beginning of this blog site.
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